what can i afford

it's a different drug this time.
that i try not to buy
i find myself craving this drug
an unfair gift
created by an ease out
of a curve of love

afraid of the consequences
yet unrestrained and receiving

i pay with what i can afford
yet i'm on a budget
i've paid too much before
and i never want to purchase it again.

unless
i am guarenteed a forever lasting high
i will pay everything

patience and time is what I will surrender
and let the warrior bust through the
barricades to my heart
my soul

he must love me more than I love him

broken but never meant to be broken

why does my heart feel broken but it was never there to be broke
somehow i tried not to let it feel
and it feels more with every word and glance
with every touch
i can't hide away from
the school girl jitters and excitement I get
i run everywhere
i feel hopeful and then hopeless
my ego goes down one notch again
why did i show you an obsession
why did i show you an intimacy that is of no purpose
an intimacy that is not romantic
nor love

my restrained love caught behind a wall
had been scooped up and saved by your
words and your bumps
and your eating maruchan
your sweaty bangs
and your flying hangs

why are you so inexperienced
why is it not later for you
but sooner for me

why can't you see it could be so fun with me
because we're children swinging from a tree
or students at a party

motivation and distraction

skin so smooth yet tattered by marks of hard work and sweat
the aura around you inspires me to run faster
seeing your muscles ripple as you swing in the air
you fly like no human could
and i want to be like you, to be with you right there flying along side to feel what you feel.
you're so raw and compact
you make me want to train.
you make me laugh.
we are children in the park playing
you are zen and natural.
you make me hold my breath because i'm afraid that you'll fall, and you don't.

Prolonged Love Tumor Benign in my heart
I can find my way to start
Caught
In a moment of pure anxiety beyond a relinquished moment in time.

don't wanna be sleazy all nasty and cheesy
all of that rawness was so free and needy
i can only dream of what it was meant to be
or fantasize of how he could please me

resisting temptation of this dangerous addiction
this drug and affliction of pain
and the friction of my ideal depiction of love
a true one that i always envisioned
but rather eviction and hate that was made
by the trade of affection and a venomous rage

unrest and nightmares were brought
lost and accosted and locked in thoughts
of the right and the wrong
yet i still became fond
of the sensual nights
only then was it calm
I've grown up and grown strong
I've dreamed this for so long
and now is the dawn
to go on

time for myself
to arrange all the shelves
be done with the torment and hell
questions and eggshells
quell all the yells
only time will tell

looking forward to the day
i look back at this time in my life
when i once fell.

from my vivid dreams
as far as my dreams can tell


i know what it is to be old to be a baby to be young to be a murderer to be deceitful to be mistrusted to be hurt, to be killed , on a death bed, crying, weak, strong, flyin, spyin, invisible, me

i know rape
i know hate and poverty and crime
i know death and loss
i know hunger and unfaithful woes
dreams are fears in reality
listen to them for you may learn.

and you will suceed in trials of self love.

Don't ever let anyone discourage you from your dreams, goals, and aspirations. but don't forget to acknowledge inspirations and elder souls who have guided you. You can have it all. Both worlds what they want, to an extent, and what you want.

i'm sick of all the homies being up on me
scoping me out asking me if i'm japanese?
korean, mexican, vietnamese
little do you know i'm straight up chinese
leave me alone if you please

you're boasts and exaggerations leave me
unimpressed and fully dressed

none of your stats will work
i'm just hurt and i'm not looking to flirt
maybe some inspiration from motivation
but never some thugged out jerk

Feb 23 2001
"keep on dividing in close calls"

certain decision in life change your course through it.
everytime a close call happens
your persona is split in two ways:
1 persona is safe and still alive,
evading the tradgedy
the other endures the tradgedy dies and is throttled in to another dimension that persona 1 doesn't know about. it expands like a tree hierchy, exponentially. so that there are countless dimensions. does a dimension really exist? if there are other dimensions do they exist in the same universe?

followup:
quantum physics

i want to fly away from here
lust and luv and wonderous joy
and then it's annoying wind on a rainy day that won't let up
but when it stops
it's like the relief of sun rising to dry the soppiness and warm the goosebumps on my skin
after the storm the clouds slowly disperse and you can
see the clear sky again

who knowz when the rainy day comes.

In this drunken stupor
my face swollen and red
chest splotchy and wanting a bed
gotta heavy head
my stomach not lined with lead
its this fealing that i dread
my crotch covered with blotches
i'm looking at my watch
when does this feelign stop?
waiting for the flick
i'm feelign terribly sick
maybe i'll nap so i don't feel like crap

in this state of virginity
i long for what was made for me
to reconnect after retrospect
with the one who is loyal to me
isn't it strainge
that time can rearrange
the feelings of rage
or continues to dwindle
your highlights of age?

on breaking love ties
no good
over
ended the pain suffering
i had it in my palms
it was my time to seize
and i took it over more to myself
no longer compensate my morals or values for the act of love

lost in a sea of bad dawgs
ready to hunt a
princess of her riches and talent
let alone identity
he comes around in a new moon.

Honesty & Integrity
Integrity = Guides to Living Life
Free of illness
Thinking to Believe
Move to the West?

It was written in the Sunrise...

I am closer to her pure and placid in the swimming clouds of the tranquil night.
She is a portal to my Lover, an unconditionally giving peace to me in the humdrum emptiness.
Waiting for more of her to be revealed
She can leave me longing for her next time
so that she can tell me stories of your thoughts.

She is my mother of lonliness in the dark greyish blue desaturated world
Yet the air around her seems so foreign and mysterious.
She reminds me that your thoughts stay with me
everytime you glance your freckeled face up at the star speckled likeness of home

I turn my face to her to be caught in a tender forgiving moment
or to be comforted in journeys on her brother who she incessantly watches.

I want to fly out there amongst the cotton candy
and feel the cold air tossle my hair
The only warmth I would feel is when our hands interlocked
or when my butterfly kisses covered your face
or when your succulent lips shoved my dumplings apart to receive your luscious drenched tongue
or when you drape your heavy legs across my thighs

I want to swim in the darkness and let the moon reflect
in your sugar eyes and taste the sweetness of
your cream dabbled all over my body.

One of dose George Lucas type Dudes
Happy and Living in my Job
we'll see
Passion disrupted
by all sorts of distracting media
It's all too familiar

I lost the other one in the darkness of the evil hands of St. Mark's Place

a bitch said no you still go
whose gonna tell you that is so
as far as i can see
press on nails fo' teens
smaller sizes is what you mean
des throw bitch
all you lozees out cast in new joisey
where are you trash sluts arent so
perty getting intoxicated and polluted to waist in our days of glory.

when the last thought of pregnancy ruins
not my soul
not my destiny
misconstrue my affextion in case you fell
apart at the last conviction ignoramus in a glimpse of addiction
and a likely assumption of immaturism